Patriot's Diary 32 #: Kenyan Baptism

Kenyans don’t just name their children interestingly; we baptize objects and places with names. Mostly it’s a matter of broken telephone really. I didn’t realize how much we, Kenyans rename things. Because I am so used to calling things as I’ve known them since I was a child. I recently realized that I had forgotten the actual name for certain things. Case in point, growing up, the premium flask brand was Thermos. Every household in this Kenya owns one. But since it was the only brand that was stocked in the 80s it kind of just stuck. So Kenyans don’t really call flasks, flasks. We call them Thermos.

Some name baptisms are more common in rural Kenya but they actually have a legitimate reason. I just don’t know what the reason is. Like the bulb, in most rural areas they are called globes, maybe because of the shape or maybe it was a brand name (tehehe). But it’s not just what they call it is how they say it, Globe (goo-row-fu).

Then another convert is the radio cassette. It is not called a cassette in rural Kenya it is called Compact (Combackt). My best friend explained to me why it was referred to as a Compact but I forgot. I just get kicks out of it when I hear someone say, ‘umesikia hiyo Combackt ya Reggae?’(Have you listened to the Reggae cassette?).

Then you have clothing and food, like cycling shorts, Kenyans call them Bikers and leggings we call them Skin tight I guess that is self explanatory. It is kind of like the way Americans seem to call everything different from the rest of the world; Chips (crisps), Fries (Chips), Sedan (Saloon) car. Kenya has her own unique naming system, thrown in with an accent. We call scones; sconge. And if you are wearing a huge cowboy hat we’ll call it a Godfather! It’s uniquely Kenyan.

There have even been places around the country that were mispronounced and the name has stuck. There is a place in Nairobi called Dagoretti Corner; It was called The Great Corner (Da-Go-retti) Corner; get it? And then there is the Burma market that was named in honour of the Burmese fighters who fought for the British. In Kenya we call it Bama. Then there is the area named after the British Carrier Corps. We call that area Kariokor (Carry-O-core).

We all as you now see, as Kenyans, we love to bless new things with some of our Kenyan flavor.

Patriot's Diary # 31: Jina Langu ( My name)

Like in most cultures, naming a child is pretty important. In Kenya, as in most African cultures children are named after their grandparents. It’s all about ensuring the family legacy. It’s heritage; the eldest son will most often be named after his paternal grandfather, the first daughter after her paternal grandmother, the second son after his maternal grandfather and the second daughter after the maternal grandmother and so on and so forth.

I was named after my maternal great grandmother, apparently my mother tells me that my late (may her soul rest in peace) great grandmother came to her in a dream. And thus I was named Rosebella. I have a cousin named after my late (may his soul rest in peace) maternal great grandfather Samuel. What normally happens once the immediate grand parents names have been allocated, it’s now free for all. The remaining relatives’ names are splashed on the children or at times each child is blessed with their own name.

Now when it comes to names, I am convinced that some Kenyan parents really don’t think through. What’s more damning is when your family name (Surname) is just off. Like the name Nyang’au or Ukalulu. Now Nyang’au is an insult; to put it kindly it means idiot! Then Ukalulu translates to a Clown. So how about that, Joe Clown or wait.. Suzy Idiot! Well family names go down generations maybe back in time it probably didn’t mean that. But the individual names Kenyan parents give their children, Lord have mercy!

I come from a community that is notorious for naming their children on a whim! Generally other than adopting names of relatives, Luos generally name their children after seasons. So we have more than one name. Fish around, the average Luo has two English names and one ethnic name and if they were named after a relative they’ll have another stash. You need to see my passport to believe me. I kid you not my initials, if I am to use what I have, on my passport are; R.A.A.O.O. See I told you!

Back to the matter at hand; the notoriety of Luos is horrendous. As long as there is a major event, global or national a child is a named as such. Let me start on the milder cases. The 1998 world Cup; the Brazilian soccer star; Ronaldo was the star and children born in June of 1998 where aptly named Ronaldo. That is ok right?

Then on August 7^th there was a terrorist attack in Nairobi; children born around that time were aptly named ‘Bomblast’ so and so. Then you have the pop icon President Obama. Well what can I say; there is a whole stash of boys whose names are not just ‘Barack Obama’ but ‘President Barack Obama. And the little girls were not left out either. In late 2008 when the election results where announced in a local maternity hospital a whole batch of Baby girls were named Michelle Obama. Wow! So if you think my initials are bad enough, wait till you hear what other names these children have. There’s a boy somewhere named Senator Barack Obama Peter. Imagine what his nickname is; Seni or something like that.

Wow! If you thought Jane, Rachel or Horace where questionable names how about being named Dashboard, ‘Post election violence or worse ‘Referendum’. I know you may think I am exaggerating, but don’t mess with some Kenyans. How do you think names like Petronilla, Assumptor, Redempter (I went to school with a girl with that name), Abscondita, Expendita came about. Unbelievable, but I am not making this up, ask any Kenyan you know! I am not making this up! And I don’t know why the girls get the nasty names.

But most of the middle class Kenyans are naming their children with more ethnic and Swahili names. Purely but no English names so you’ll have your Onyancha, Aluoch, Mwikali, Kabura, Arufeni, Pendo. Don’t get me wrong I love these names (guess which one is mine). I think it is just an awakening to cultural pride. That’s what being Kenyan is all about!

Patriot's Diary # 30: Sheng the lingo of Kenyan Humour

I was on a mission to up my vocabulary in Sheng (colloquial Kiswahili) and my word. It evolves exponentially. The uniqueness and beauty of Sheng is that a new word today is history tomorrow! The Eastern region of Nairobi city is the home and factory of Sheng. As I mentioned in an earlier post; Sheng is the language of standup comedy in Kenya.

We have something similar to the teaser; ‘your mama’ jokes. They are not purely ‘your mama’ kind of teases. But like any comedy of its kind; it’s just to make fun of someone and have a happy time; obviously at the other person’s expense.

Normally mchongoano requires banter. So once someone teases you, you need to tease back, till one person runs out of comebacks! A good one is; Kichwa yako ni soo, uki lala dreams zako huwa in Dolby surround. (Your head is so big that when you sleep your dreams are in Dolby surround)

Simu yako ni mzee; ikianguka inamwaga credo. (Your phone is so old; when you drop it the ‘minutes’ fall out)

Another one that got me rolling on the floor was; nyanya yako ni mzee mpaka ile time God alisema let there be light, yeye ndiyo aliwasha. (Your grandmother is so old; when God said let there be light, she’s the one who turned it on)

The English version just waters down the joke. You need to hear it being said in Sheng it is tear jerking and rib cracking! I was hoping to write this entire entry in Sheng, but let’s just say that I am not that fluent. Here’s a list of different names for persons and, objects and actions in Sheng! You can visit www.sheng.co.ke/kamusi for the right pronunciation. Enjoy Kenya's urban lingo!

Traffic Police; Gova, mabeast, Karau, Sanse, Akorino, masampa, mabanga, Mafisi

Rich person; Mdosi, Sonko

To fight; gwoko, war

To give; niwai, Nige, Nichae, Nigesh

Sleep; Kudoro, Kudoze, kutuna, Kugawa

Car; atmo, dinga

Housekeeper/ maid; aunty, mboch

Boots; avunja, ndula, njumu

Ugly; amebeat, amechoka

Beer; keroro, muwako, gauge

10 shillings; ashara, ashoo, banga, ganji,munde, kwacha, kinde

20 shillings; pound, blue, mbao

40 shillings; arbesa

50 shillings; hamsa, chwani, finje

100 shillings; soo

200 shillings; jilli, rwabe

500 shillings; punch

1000 shillings; ngiri, chuma, brown

Patriot's Diary # 29: Hair-volution

Kenyan hair has seen its fair share of triumph & tragedy. I won’t go into the textures and make myself sound like a hair specialist. I am just a keen observer and adherent to the changes …well up until recently!

Kenyan hairstyles have evolved over the years! From the all well groomed Afros to the greasy jerry curl of the 80’s to the mullet today.

When I was a child the word cornrows where unheard of, we called them ‘lines’ or ‘mlaso’. And for the guys there was the ‘box, ‘punk’ and other variations of haircuts. The hairstyles had funny names pretty much going hand in hand with what your hair would look like when the hairdresser was done; like banana and pineapple (shown above left). The most common place where most girls got their hair done in Nairobi was Kenyatta Market. This was the era where salons were called saloons. If you ever went to Kenyatta market to get your hair done, you’d always be ushered in by women saying, ‘Aunty Karibu saloon’ (Madam Welcome to the salon).

The salons always had funny black and white pictures and the images of West African hairstyles. All you needed to do was point at the style and the lady would take it up from there. What I never used to understand as a child, was why the lady, who was going to plait my hair, had the most untidy hair but would still do a really grand job on my hair.

Then there was the hot comb, this was every girl’s nightmare. The salons didn’t own the electric hot combs or blow dryers. The hairdresser would put the hot comb directly over an open flame (usually a stove) then cool it slightly with a wet cloth to produce a hissing sound that then lead to a tug and pull at your hair; the good old early nineties beauty regimen.

Then came the perm craze in the late 90s! Styling was quite a bit of a challenge, so we had the 50’s finger wave thing going on. Believe me it never looked as grand as it looks on red carpet celebrities! You get pulled out of the drier, the rollers removed, your scalp oiled then the finger and comb technique. I really hated that look. The fancier hair dressers introduced bobs and bouncy hair.

Then came some colour the haircuts got shorter and more glitzy, and colour was introduced to the beauty regimen. Then came the new found tongs and flat irons to work their magic. I loved my styled perm then I got bored and chose to go Au natural; I flaunt my thicket of jet black hair. I love it, because shaving off hair is very cheap!

The year 2000 brought a mix and match feel in women; the dreadlocks, the funky coloured hair cuts and the weave divas! Good and horrendous weaves! But Braids and cornrows never die, young or old; they are the way to go. Durable and cost effective!

Enough about the women, men on the other hand have tried it all. The 80’s had relatively long crops pat down then in the early nineties the crops turned into hats; the Boys II Men / MC Hammer look. Then R.Kelly came along and made bald cool! I think that was my father’s happiest day; seeing my brothers with a neat short look!

And now… look at our fine Kenyan men! Well groomed crops, some have texturised hair, cornrows and Afros. But I’ll be honest I prefer my Kenyan brothers with nicely trimmed crops or bald! My Kenyan brothers have evolved; they put some women to shame.

Why is hair part of patriot’s diary, well purely to show that Kenyans evolve and we are never afraid to try anything new, even if it’ll give us a queer appearance! That’s what being Kenyan is all about!

Patriot's Diary # 28: The Kenyan Road trip

As a child I was always shipped to shags. An common term we like to use in Kenya to refer to mandatory trips to our rural homes; shags. When I was in primary (elementary) school I never minded it. Primarily because my mother chose to stay upcountry and I loved making up for the lost bonding time during these trips.

I looked forward to my mum’s cooking, listening to her stories and seeing what she had done in the farm. And of course eat fresh paw paws, mangoes, sugarcane, guava fruits and most of all the Jack fruit (pictured right)! Mmh! I love the Jack fruit; it is so sweet and soft! Yummy!

It was exciting the eight to ten hour road trip. I’d get so excited I wouldn’t be able to sleep even two to three days before the date of departure. I never understood why my brother was never moved by it at all. He was the grouch; he never wanted to go. Until…

When I was 12 years old I experienced my first road trip without my parents! Well, where to begin! I wrestled with an old man for my seat. I know what you are thinking; shame on you, no respect. Well he started it. I sat next to the old, to be politically correct, mature gentleman. We were both comfy, relatively, until he sprawled himself to try and get extra comfy.

This is not a bed; it’s a bus, so he had to make do with what he had! So at some point he gave in and I stopped shoving and poking his shoulder. Then came the eaters! I kid you not; there was someone who kept opening packets of food. You’d just hear a rustling paper, then a smell would saturate the bus and you’d hear munching! This person ate so much it was worrying at some point. Why I say worrying is, unless you work a night shift, your system is not used to continuous feeding throughout the night out of the blue.

So as you may have figured out; the devourer at the back of the bus begun belching at some point and it went on till our destination. Now the smell of hydrogen sulfide is bad enough, but this passenger tore it up! The windows were opened instantaneously in the bus. There was an old lady who kept yelling for the belcher to stop.

It gets better; the passengers who ‘aerate’ in their sleep dropped doses of late night fart works on the bus as well! I know this is a really nauseating, but it was hilarious. It is such a vile situation to be in but that’s what makes Kenyan road trips so much fun!

But the high light comes a few hours later when we stop in the tea town of Kenya; Kericho! In Kericho the hawkers filled the Bus isles with their wares, shoving their tea, roasted and boiled corn in the face of sleepy passengers. And as you may have guessed it; the devouring passengers still bought some more food! (Left: Akamba Bus - a popular public long distance bus company)

Here’s the truth, not all bus trips or public transportation is full of these charades. I was just lucky to experience it all in one night! So the next time you are on a road trip across Kenya, you won’t need a book, just wait for the drama to unfold!