Patriot's Diary # 20: Peculiarly Kenyan

I had tea with a friend of mine yesterday. He’s a reporter who’s been in the country for a few months now. And he expressed his frustration of certain Kenyan behavior that quite frankly, I also find downright annoying. It brought to the fore some things that purely constitute mannerisms that are uniquely Kenyan, here’s just a taste of what Kenyans are all about!

Pointing with our mouths

We Kenyans give directions in a queer way. First of all let me correct myself, we Kenyans barely give directions. Here’s proof. I asked someone for directions once and they used a landmark, fair enough, then it went downhill from there.

It started off with ‘..unaona ile nyumba ya gorofa? Ukifika hapo enda hivi,(gestures with lips) halafu utembeee hadi mwisho, ukifika mwisho umefika (‘You see the tall building? Once you get to it, go this way (gestures) walk till the end, once you get to the end, you’ve reached your destination’).

Seriously what is that? In what language does that make sense?!
Then the gesturing is always an arm outstretched but so close to your face you can’t see or they point at some building or landmark that is in obscurity or just point with their pursed lips while simultaneously giving you directions. I love Kenyans!

Finish my statement…

We are a story telling country and we all enjoy a juicy tale. I just find it hilarious that people always want you to finish their statements for them. For instance, ‘I was walking down the s….( I expect you to say street). I then I repeat street and continue with my story. ‘When I saw this wo..(I expect you to say woman) who was wearing a red dre (I expect you to say dress)’. You see where I am going with this right?

Initially it irritated me to the core, especially when it was an eye witness giving their account in a TV news story. They expect the reporter to finish their statements for them, when the reporter doesn’t they hold on for a couple of seconds thinking that the reporter will come round. When they realize that that isn’t going to happen, 2 minutes into the interview, they finish their statements. I eventually got used to it and now I just laugh it off.

It’s your birthday, where’s our gift?

I think this was just the hugest shock for me. When my classmates found out it was my birthday one day in primary school I was asked where the presents where. I didn’t quite understand what they meant, but in essence when it’s someone’s birthday (Not everyone, but there are some) you are expected to bring the treats. And not have people treat you.

You get the cake and share the cake and the goodies. And what you get in return? Glad you asked; the birthday song sung in all manner of tonal variations with the ‘I saw a fat monkey and thought it was you’ thrown into it.’ That’s not all, the curtain call, a funky Kenyan rendition of the birthday song…I guess that is the part I prefer.

Alternatively there is also a different kind of birthday ‘celebration’. Your friends, pinch you on your birthday a number of times corresponding to your age. (I never got pinched I scared people away) You are then showered with all kinds of concoctions; rotten eggs, stale milk and other rotten stuff put together. You then proceed to be hosed down and finally, once you’ve cleaned up; you get the coolest surprise birthday cake, goodies and similar singing as the first scenario. The moral of the story, I just cruised through school not telling people when my birthday was, why would I?!

It’s a party every day

Back in the 70’s the leading beer brand, Tusker, had Kenyans drinking themselves so much the government had to curb the drinking. So the beer company, East Africa Breweries Limited, pushed a new slogan; Baada ya Kazi burudika, ni wakati wa Tusker. (After work, relax, it’s time for Tusker). So fast forward to 2009; the Kenyan populace cannot, will not and shall never pass the chance to party.

It is pretty evident in the drinking culture around urban areas. People drink every evening from Tuesday after work till Sunday and still show up to work each morning on time! I find it sad, but fascinating at the same time. I can’t concentrate when I have slept for four to five hours. How about nursing a hangover in that mess?

And the winner of uniquely Kenyan Mannerisms is… Staring

Kenyans can stare. Forget the usual stares at tourists. You need to take a walk anywhere in Nairobi. We Kenyans stare at you to the point of discomfort! It is like there is a boot camp that recruits to train people on staring tactics. Forget water boarding, call up a Kenyan! Kenyans stare at anything.

(Kenyans can out do a lion stare any day)

My cousin once stood at a popular bus terminus in Nairobi’s Central Business District and just stared in the sky for about two minutes. He wanted to see if it would pull people to stare. True to his prediction; when he looked around him a crowd had flocked staring at the sky, pointing asking each other what was in the sky. Yet none of them asked the initiator, my cousin. And he walked away and left the growing crowd gazing at the blue sky on a sunny day! How cruel. But what can I say, it’s all peculiarly Kenyan. You have got to love Kenyans!